‘Lilo & Stitch’ review: Can Disney please stop torturing innocent cartoons?

“I like you better as a sister than a mom,” says little orphaned Lilo to her older sister Nani.

Similarly, I like “Lilo & Stitch” a lot better as a cartoon than yet another creativity-free live-action remake. 

Obviously, because no Disney carbon copy has ever so much as matched an original, let alone topped it.

I loathe this 2D-to-too-real trend, which seems meant purely for Bob Iger to have something easy to announce during quarterly earnings calls.

What’s next, Bob? “In 2028, we got um, um, um, live-action ‘The Rescuers’!” It’s too much.

The House of Mouse’s latest go at making childhood less magical is, at least, not as ponderous as “Mufasa: The Lion King” or as universally unwanted as “Snow White.” 

But, as is almost always the case, the animated action set to Elvis songs translates awkwardly to actual people in familiar places with kitchen-table problems. Just what tots want — bland doses of harsh reality.    

What was great fun before is mostly mopey and depressing now. A hunk, a hunk of burning IP.  

For instance, a social worker played by Tia Carrere tells high-school-age Nani (Sydney Elizebeth Agudong) to get health insurance for her and her six-year-old sister, whose parents died in a car crash, and to stock their barren fridge with food. Otherwise, Lilo goes into foster care.

Pretty bleak! Even the most adorable alien visitor can’t help you sign up for Medicaid. 

To be honest, this time I spent much of the movie, rudimentarily directed by Dean Fleischer Camp, actually thinking Lilo should go live with a more stable family. So, I wasn’t sure who to root for … other than hand-drawn animation.   

The spunky, King-obsessed girl is played by a very young actress, seven-year-old Maia Kealoha. She’s very sweet with Stitch — there are “aww”s aplenty — and that connection is all the movie’s got going for it. 

However, being so small, when she’s bullied by classmates, left home alone, sent to the hospital after nearly drowning or is imperiled by gun-toting villains, it’s extremely uncomfortable. They should’ve made the character older.      

What of our gibberish-talking blue buddy? Considering the toon has been around for 23 years, Stitch is already cherished by kids the world over — the stuff of millions of stuffed animals. 

He’s a lab-engineered super-intelligent weapon created by Jumba, an extraterrestrial scientist. Feisty Stitch escapes captivity to Hawaii, and Jumba and frenzied Earth expert Pleakley are tasked with retrieving him by Hannah Waddingham, who’s in far too many movies. 

Although Stitch is well-designed, he’s harder to embrace. My thought bubble the whole time: I can help falling in love with you.

After Lilo adopts Stitch thinking he’s just a weird indigo dog, his previously silly mischief (trashing the house, setting fire to the luau-themed restaurant where Nani waitresses) ain’t cute — it’s distressing.

The 2002, pen-and-ink rascal went on a buyable emotional journey of self-discovery. The CGI guy does not.

Some fans will be miffed that Jumba and Pleakley (Zach Galifianakis and Billy Magnussen) use technology to resemble humans — a la “Men in Black” — instead of donning dresses and other disguises. They behave with generic oddness, like the outline of a “Coneheads” sketch. The duo isn’t funny.

Courtney B. Vance, an exceptional actor, is horribly wasted as secretive Cobra Bubbles. I hope the paycheck was nice.  

The only scene I really enjoyed was when Lilo, Nani and Stitch go surfing to that happy tune “Hawaiian Roller Coaster Ride.” During that playful minuite, the movie is colorful, carefree and light on its feet.

For a brief and sunny moment, “Lilo & Stitch” finally resembles a cartoon.

I’ve just read that Disney has at least four more poorly considered live-action retreads in some stage of development.

Only fools rush in!